Toilet Humor

I’ve learned some fascinating things in my years as a factory worker. Nothing I’ve learned is profound by any means, but some of them are things I never expected or really even wanted to learn in the first place, so they deserve a mention. I’ve learned that men over the age of 40 (and some under, as well) almost all have a unique way of using a urinal. They don’t just stand there and pee like young people do. Some of these guys will use both hands: one to guide and one to hold the garments away. Some will use one hand and rest the other on their hip. Others, I’ve seen, will use both hands, but rest their forehead on the wall in front of them. Others will use one arm as a forehead rest against the wall. I’ve seen a few stretch one hand as high up as they can as if they are high-fiving the wall as they relieve themselves. Some men will do one of these things and rock back and forth from heel to toe, some will choose a favorite position and just rock the hips front to back, others side to side, and still others will pivot their entire hips in slow circles while they’re at it.

Here’s my question: WHEN DOES THIS START?! Am I destined for the same fate? I know these guys didn’t slap their hand on the wall when they were teenagers taking a whiz, so what changed? When did they decide that it would be better to start rocking, or put a hand on the hip, or any other thing these people do? I’m curious now, but you can’t just ask a guy, “Hey, why do you do that weird stuff when you’re taking a leak?” That’s men’s room code. You don’t ask questions like that. So if anyone reads this someday and has a good answer for me, please share. Who knows, maybe by that time I’ll be gripping the urinal with both hands with my pants around my ankles rocking back and forth while moving my hips in a creepy slow motion circle. I don’t see anyone under 40 doing it, so I’ve got a few years. We’ll see what happens. Sorry for the toilet humor.